Kitten Friday

**Every Friday the receptionist in my company’s building brings in kittens–she’s a volunteer for the SPCA and fosters multiple litters at a time.  She likes people to come out and play with the cats, helping to socialize them, which is fantastic because I love animals but can’t have any of my own–YET!  Naturally it forces me to mingle with people at work whom I might otherwise never meet.  Everything has a drawback, I suppose.**

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ACTUAL CONVERSATION

ME: as you can imagine, fresh kitten Friday brings out weird cat people

the BF: yes.

ME: and to make matters worse, publishing is one of those industries that has more weird cat people per square inch of office space

the BF: understandable.

ME: so, I’m familiar with most of the weird cat people in my building, because my timing is such that they’re always hanging around the front when I go downstairs

ME: anyway, some of them are tolerable, while some of them are idiots

the BF: right.

ME: and some of them are REALLY weird.

ME: like this one lady.

the BF: Riiiiight.

ME: i don’t know her name, and i don’t know what she does.

ME: she looks like she’s allergic to the sun and gets her fashion cues from a charles dickens novel–but mainly from the men’s department

ME: she has short brown hair and makes odd comments that kind of don’t make sense

the BF: ha ha ha ha ha

ME: anyway

the BF: i’m with you.

ME: about a month or so ago i met her for the first time

the BF: i’m up to speed

ME: and she came down when i had one kitten asleep, totally curled-up and knocked-out in my lap, very content to be left alone

ME: didn’t want to be moved or messed with

ME: so I’m not holding the cat, it’s just asleep between my legs

ME: and she’s uncomfortably close to mepetting it

ME: because she can’t stand that it’s asleep with me and that I’m not dying to wake it up and hand it to her

the BF: close to your crotchal area.

ME: ok, fine. so after about ten minutes (in which most normal people would say, I’ll just come back later) she goes, “can i PLEASE hold the kitty now?”

the BF: HA HA HA HA HA

ME: and I’m like…ok, here you go

ME: and i go upstairs

ME:: and that’s the last time i saw her

ME: UNTIL TODAY

the BF: that’s awesome!

ME: today there are two cats

ME: both aren’t very interested in being cuddled, they mainly want to play

ME: so im using their toys while they’re in their little cage-thing, and another girl is down there with me

ME: and after 15 minutes i was though, ok I’ll take one out and hold it for a minute before i go back upstairs

ME: I’m sitting on the counter with my head down looking at the cat

the BF: right.

ME: when i hear, “oh that girl is a CAT HOG

the BF: WHAAAAT?

ME: and i look up…and who should it be? FREAKIN’ OLIVER TWIST!

the BF: HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHA AHAHA

the BF: ROFL

the BF: a cat hog!

ME: SO i don’t say anything but kind of glare at her

ME: she’s brought some non-descript, plain looking fat girl (probably from editorial) with her

the BF: ha ha ha ha ha

the BF: this is too good!

ME: and she IMMEDIATELY comes to the cat I’m holding and starts petting it!

the BF: WOW

ME: but there’s another cat, five feet away from us!

ME: and she chose mine

ME: that bitch!

ME: so an employee walks in the front entrance with her dog

the BF: that victorian cat freak!

ME: and the cat gets a little scared

ME: so I’m like, alright it’s time to put him back in the cage

ME: and i get up and leave

ME: all the while I’m thinking about how much i want to throw gruel in her stupid manface.

the BF: wow. the cat hog strikes!

the BF: angry cat hog!

ME: who the fuck says that?

ME: CHRIST ON A CROSS

the BF: right!

the BF: HA HA HA HA

ME: the damn thing was ASLEEP IN MY FREAKIN CROTCH

ME: back off

the BF: bay PLUS bee, that’s the funniest thing i’ve heard all week. it’s terrible, but funny.

the BF: i’m with you.

the BF: and i thought this weird crap only happened to me.

ME: eff her and her stupid little pixie cut hairdo!

the BF: ha ha ha ha ha

ME: man, I tell ya!

the BF: oh, baby. you would quit that job in a hot minute.

ME: i wanted to wallop her! cat hog!

ME: can you imagine saying that to someone?  she’s met me once, and she called me “a girl”

ME: “oh no! that girl’s a cat hog!”

the BF: so strange.

ME: or maybe it was, “oh that’s the girl who’s a cat hog”

ME: alluding to a previous conversation they had about my cat hoggery

the BF: RIGHT!

the BF: wow. you’ve got a reputation there, lady.

ME: i know, right?  eff her!

the BF: eff her! not literally!

ME: i wanted to say, “wow, did you mean for that to sound as socially-unaware and completely rude as it came out?”

the BF: or as cat-crazy?

ME: but didn’t want to make my coworkers uncomfortable

the BF: yeah.

the BF: wow. it’s like a zoo over there!

ME: for realios!

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