**Every Friday the receptionist in my company’s building brings in kittens–she’s a volunteer for the SPCA and fosters multiple litters at a time. She likes people to come out and play with the cats, helping to socialize them, which is fantastic because I love animals but can’t have any of my own–YET! Naturally it forces me to mingle with people at work whom I might otherwise never meet. Everything has a drawback, I suppose.**
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ACTUAL CONVERSATION
ME: as you can imagine, fresh kitten Friday brings out weird cat people
the BF: yes.
ME: and to make matters worse, publishing is one of those industries that has more weird cat people per square inch of office space
the BF: understandable.
ME: so, I’m familiar with most of the weird cat people in my building, because my timing is such that they’re always hanging around the front when I go downstairs
ME: anyway, some of them are tolerable, while some of them are idiots
the BF: right.
ME: and some of them are REALLY weird.
ME: like this one lady.
the BF: Riiiiight.
ME: i don’t know her name, and i don’t know what she does.
ME: she looks like she’s allergic to the sun and gets her fashion cues from a charles dickens novel–but mainly from the men’s department
ME: she has short brown hair and makes odd comments that kind of don’t make sense
the BF: ha ha ha ha ha
ME: anyway
the BF: i’m with you.
ME: about a month or so ago i met her for the first time
the BF: i’m up to speed
ME: and she came down when i had one kitten asleep, totally curled-up and knocked-out in my lap, very content to be left alone
ME: didn’t want to be moved or messed with
ME: so I’m not holding the cat, it’s just asleep between my legs
ME: and she’s uncomfortably close to me—petting it
ME: because she can’t stand that it’s asleep with me and that I’m not dying to wake it up and hand it to her
the BF: close to your crotchal area.
ME: ok, fine. so after about ten minutes (in which most normal people would say, I’ll just come back later) she goes, “can i PLEASE hold the kitty now?”
the BF: HA HA HA HA HA
ME: and I’m like…ok, here you go
ME: and i go upstairs
ME:: and that’s the last time i saw her
ME: UNTIL TODAY
the BF: that’s awesome!
ME: today there are two cats
ME: both aren’t very interested in being cuddled, they mainly want to play
ME: so im using their toys while they’re in their little cage-thing, and another girl is down there with me
ME: and after 15 minutes i was though, ok I’ll take one out and hold it for a minute before i go back upstairs
ME: I’m sitting on the counter with my head down looking at the cat
the BF: right.
ME: when i hear, “oh that girl is a CAT HOG“
the BF: WHAAAAT?
ME: and i look up…and who should it be? FREAKIN’ OLIVER TWIST!
the BF: HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHA AHAHA
the BF: ROFL
the BF: a cat hog!
ME: SO i don’t say anything but kind of glare at her
ME: she’s brought some non-descript, plain looking fat girl (probably from editorial) with her
the BF: ha ha ha ha ha
the BF: this is too good!
ME: and she IMMEDIATELY comes to the cat I’m holding and starts petting it!
the BF: WOW
ME: but there’s another cat, five feet away from us!
ME: and she chose mine
ME: that bitch!
ME: so an employee walks in the front entrance with her dog
the BF: that victorian cat freak!
ME: and the cat gets a little scared
ME: so I’m like, alright it’s time to put him back in the cage
ME: and i get up and leave
ME: all the while I’m thinking about how much i want to throw gruel in her stupid manface.
the BF: wow. the cat hog strikes!
the BF: angry cat hog!
ME: who the fuck says that?
ME: CHRIST ON A CROSS
the BF: right!
the BF: HA HA HA HA
ME: the damn thing was ASLEEP IN MY FREAKIN CROTCH
ME: back off
the BF: bay PLUS bee, that’s the funniest thing i’ve heard all week. it’s terrible, but funny.
the BF: i’m with you.
the BF: and i thought this weird crap only happened to me.
ME: eff her and her stupid little pixie cut hairdo!
the BF: ha ha ha ha ha
ME: man, I tell ya!
the BF: oh, baby. you would quit that job in a hot minute.
ME: i wanted to wallop her! cat hog!
ME: can you imagine saying that to someone? she’s met me once, and she called me “a girl”
ME: “oh no! that girl’s a cat hog!”
the BF: so strange.
ME: or maybe it was, “oh that’s the girl who’s a cat hog”
ME: alluding to a previous conversation they had about my cat hoggery
the BF: RIGHT!
the BF: wow. you’ve got a reputation there, lady.
ME: i know, right? eff her!
the BF: eff her! not literally!
ME: i wanted to say, “wow, did you mean for that to sound as socially-unaware and completely rude as it came out?”
the BF: or as cat-crazy?
ME: but didn’t want to make my coworkers uncomfortable
the BF: yeah.
the BF: wow. it’s like a zoo over there!
ME: for realios!
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