Modern Inconvenience

Automatic-Flushing Toilets

On the count of three...one, two, PSYCHE!

Pro: Less chance that I’ll see a stranger’s poop in a public bathroom.

Con: I’d have to be an Olympic Wiper to clean myself and throw the t.p. in the toilet before there’s a new batch of water swirling around and spraying my ass.

Pro: I don’t have to touch the germ-infested flushing mechanism.

Con: When the sensor is broken I have to feel around for the manual flush button…or just run out of the stall before anyone sees me.

Verdict: Good for my eyeballs, bad for my butt. Keep it.

Security Sensors

Pro: Embarrasses petty thieves stealing Wet’n’Wild eyeliner from Rite Aide.

Con: Embarrasses me when I walk into a store and somehow set it off. “Sorry Mr./Ms. Minimum Wage Employee, it must be the nipple clamps I’m wearing. You can’t see them but they’re always making these things beep!”

Pro: Even if you do make one scream on your way out of the store, the likelihood that you’ll actually be stopped/searched is around 8%.

Con: They don’t do shit.

Verdict: Good on paper, bad in practice. Toss it.

Conveyor Belts at the Grocery Store

Pro: Moves your items across the counter quickly, requiring no manual labor from the buyer.

Con: Tapers at the end and has terrible sensors that cause 90% of your shit to get crammed into that tiny space, while Mr. A-Hole behind you loads up his haul pushing your junk into a misshapen oblivion.

Pro: Requires only the flick of a button to turn on. And off. Monkeys could operate it.

Con: The inexplicable wet-spot that makes it look someone’s dragged a squeegee across the top that ALWAYS gets pressed-up against your paper products.

Verdict: Convenient and quick despite its flaws. Keep it.

Self-Check Out

Pro: When you’ve only got one or two items, you can get out of the grocery/drugstore faster than a cheetah on speed.

Con: You’ll inevitably buy something that requires a checker or manager to come over and enter a mysterious 6-digit code before you can continue.

Pro: Allows you to buy embarrassing items without worrying about the judgmental eyes of other shoppers, and the condemnatory fingering of the cashier.

Con: The elderly, confused, and generally slow are drawn to this line like a stripper to a pole. And they’re guaranteed to have more than 500 things in their carts. And it’s their first time trying out the “new-fangled” check out. And they’ve forgotten their glasses.

Verdict: Sometimes convenient, other times the bane of my existence. If they put an item limit on the stations it’d be better. Keep it (Conditionally).